Life

Life been going much better for me lately. I'm not as worried or upset in my life. I'm not feeling like everything is my fault. I feel great.

Plans.

Well, I past the drivers test a few days ago. Now, I need to wait until I'm on my parents insurance. Then, I'll start learning to drive. I'm a little nervous about it. But if I start driving I can start looking for jobs in a wider area.

DMV

After sitting around the DMV for four hours today, I failed my driver test. I was hoping I'd get it the first time in. But no. I scored a 63.99. Sucks Now, I'm gonna have to sit in there again tomorrow and take it again. I don't want to! The waiting sucks! I would rather have my dick cut off then sit around that fucking place again. Oh, well. bob won't let me quit until I get it done.

Writing.

I've always had good ideas when it comes to stories. What I lack is drive to write. I think I'll start cutting myself off from Tv and such to write some.

I'm lonely.

I wish I could have a girlfriend. I wish I knew what to do to impress girls. I have nothing going for me.

I need serious help.

Today, I found a web site that flips a coin for you...I need serious help to get over my problems. I need to be secure in myself so I can make my own decisions without relaying on others. Especially, a coin. I don't want to go crazy with worry any more. I don't want to tear myself apart anymore. I want to live free from my problems.

Money

I'm worried about my tax return. I hope I get it soon. I want to help me family with it. I also want to buy some new cloths. Some new shirts, pants, and maybe a belt. I'd like that a lot. I'll also buy some movies for my parents. My mom like old Disney movies and my dad likes action movies. I might also buy some movies for myself. Most of all, I'd like to save some money for a rainy day. Living from paycheck to paycheck i hard, but we get by. Hopefully soon, Dad'll be back at work. His foot's feeling better and he's starting physical therapy soon. Our money problems will be kinda fixed soon. It'll take time, but we'll be okay.

My Life and my worries.

It's times like this I wish I had one of those speak and type little doodads. I have a lot to say and I...Well, never mind, I'll just type.

I'm worried about my family. I don't know how to help them. I don't even know if I should I've never been one to think of myself. I always think of others. Is that what makes me so critical of myself? Do I view myself as some kind of servant? And when I screw up, I punish myself by killing myself with grief and pain? I wish I knew. I just want to help my family. I just want to live comfortably. I don't want a lot of fancy things, just enough to live. Should I just throw my hands up and say, "It's not my problem."? What kind of man would that make me? I want to be a good man. Am I a good man at all? Do I give of myself only because I wish to please others?

Worthyness

I've long had problems with m own self worth. I hate the highs and lows I have. I know I'm not bipolar. If I was, I would get depressed for no reason. I get depressed because some thing tiny goes wrong. I hate it! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT! I rip myself to shreds emotionally for no reason!
Over the tiniest of things! I wish I could stop doing it to myself. I wish I could just look at something and say, "It doesn't matter. It's not my fault. And if it is, then fine. I'll deal with it." But I can't do that. WHY?! What is stopping me from just moving on? Why do I continually torture myself like this!?!?! All I've ever wanted is to make people happy. So, why do I get so upset when they're not? It's not my job to make everyone happy. It's not my job to keep everything okay. So, why do I do punish myself when something like this happens? I want to yell and scream and beat on something, but I can't. I know it won't fix anything.

Nervous.

I'm very nervous. Tonight, I'm going to be doing my stand-up again. I don't think I'm ready to go with this new stuff. I wonder if I should stay with my old material. I'm going to do my best anyway.

The Coming Storm.

These days are filled with fear for the End of the World. I'm not too worried about it. I've come to terms with my death long ago. Be it from a heart attack, stroke, or Apocalypse, I'm fine. What I'm scared of is the coming freaks and worry warts out of this year. This is the big one. I know the shits gonna hit the fan and everyone will be scared for a while. Hopefully, after the year is over things will calm down.

My Comedy.

I've been going to a restaurant called Starvin' Marvin's for a few weeks now, trying to do my stand up at their open mic. After the first few tries, I found I was really well received. They loved my act! I couldn't believe it. It made me feel amazing. I could actually say I've done something good. I can make people laugh. I haven't had one of my crashes since that realization. I hope to bring out more talent soon. I wonder when I become a struggling comedian?

Dinning Tonight.

Tonight I ate at a very fine restaurant called Jo Jo's China Bistro. My best friend, Glenn, paid for me. I'm paying him back with dinner tomorrow night.

Anyway, he had the Mongolian Beef. He told me it was very spicy. Almost too spicy to eat. I myself tried a bit. The beef was spicy, but nothing compared to the Cayenne pepper mixed into it. After I accidentally bit into one, I managed to bluff my way out of being teased by him.

I had the Black Pepper Beef. I love spicy food and when I ordered this I was hopping it would be spicy. I was honestly disappointed. The meal was bland. Not spicy, not even tangy. I was upset, but I didn't complain. I've learned not to complain about mt meals to my friend. He has a strict rule about returning meals at restaurants. "Don't do it. If you don't like how it's cooked, better luck next time." He made that rule after a bad night at a Jack in the Box. But that's a story for another day.

Well, dinner aside, my night was very good.

Questions for the World: Qu. 01

Does anyone else have trouble remembering things from childhood? I can remember bits and pieces, but not everything. I can remember movies very well, but not things from my childhood. Do some people have a selective memory? Like their brain only remember certain thing subconsciously? Hmm...or does only certain thing stick into peoples memory?

Comment please.

My Deep Thoughts on: Death.

He's my first article of "Deep Thoughts." Today's topic is one that I've faced and wish to share my views on. 

Death. 

Yup, the Great Equalizer. The Big Sleep. To find oneself without breath. 

As hard as it seems I've honestly do not fear death. I've spent too much of my life doing so. Much of my youth was spent fretting and worrying about the last hours of my life and what they will be. The story begins when I was a young boy of about 7. 

I can remember having my fear since then. It was around that time, I first saw the 1973 movie, "Charlotte's Web." Here's a trailer. 

 I'm sure some of us has seen it. It's a good adaptation of the book with fine animation and voice work. Now, to the point. 

There is a scene in this movie where Wilbur first finds out about his coming death. He runs into the barn and cries out how he wants to live. Now, for a seven-year-old, this scene was very traumatic for me and instilled my fear of death. Since that time, I did very little.  The fear of death pushed itself into every aspect of my life for years to come. For a time, I was afraid to brush my teeth because I learned that the fluoride in it is toxic.

I didn't socialize with anyone for fear they would hurt me. I still haven't learned to drive. The list goes on.

Then, when I was in high school, I realized how I had been living. I realized I wasn't living at all. My fear of death was keeping me from enjoying being alive. My realization came from acting. I signed up for theater. The teacher was a nice woman whom tried to teach us how to let go when we where on stage. After a few lessons, she told me my great gift was my ability to make people laugh. And when I made people laugh, I felt alive. I felt, as best as I can call it, awake. I finally found the world around me. I was freed from my fear. 

Finally, I was able to look past death and see what it was. Inevitable. For years, my parents told me that death happens to every one and nothing can change it. But for some reason, standing on a stage and making people laugh, singing, or even dancing(or trying to), it finally sunk in that there was nothing to worry about. I felt better. In the years since then, I've tried my hand at acting in plays and doing stand up at open mikes. 

Being freed from my fear, I began researching old and new methods of acting, old actors, and vaudeville. But that's a discussion for later. Anyway, my research has shown me how many great actors have lived and died. Many actors originated from chaotic youths, leading into their work. Some say great comedy come from great tragedy. I'm not sure if it's true, but here's an interesting thing I've found out recently. Just yesterday, I research a great named Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets. His young life, he traveled the world and studied the different types and methods of puppetry. I'm sure I don't need to tell you about his work and what he did for the world. Here's where I really admire Mr. Henson. 

Jim Henson died on May 16, 1990 at age 53 of  organ failure caused by an infection of Streptococcus pyogenes. His illness began on the 4th of the month when Jim began experiencing flu-like symptoms. For the next 10 days, Jim continued to work. He saw a doctor who couldn't find any symptoms of pneumonia. He suggested to Jim to take aspirin to help him. Then on the 15th, Jim's wife came to visit him and they talked for the better part of the evening. Here's the part that amazes me. At 2 AM, Jim began having trouble breathing and began coughing up blood. He suggested to his wife that he was dying. He said he didn't want to go to the hospital. 

Amazing. He didn't want to take the steps to save his life. Imagine being that brave. But was it bravery or was it he was content with dying because he lived such a full life? I don't know. I just want to be a man like that. A man who one day will know he's dying and aspect it. To go forward as though he was walking through a doorway. I admire and wish to be like Jim Henson. 

I hope you enjoyed my rambling and take something from them. Comment if you wish. 

This is the very first blog I've ever written. I'm kinda nervous. Anyway, I'll be posting more material latter tonight.